EW!

File this one under "TMI."

So, last night at around 7:45, John told me that Josh had shut off the valve to the toilet and it looked like the toilet had been leaking.

That is the set-up. You can see where this is going.

Read on only if you choose.

No one would fault you for not.

Consider yourself warned.

Still with me?

I asked him where it was leaking, and he said he thought it was leaking from the front.

Now, we had planned on eventually replacing the toilet with the same dual flusher we put in our on-suite bathroom upstairs. But, aside from it being extremely nasty when we moved in, the toilet downstairs was in good condition and would suffice until we had the money/time/inclination to replace it. John thought it might be a problem with the wax ring, so we rationalized that if we've got to go to the trouble of removing the toilet to check the wax ring, we might as well replace the entire toilet. So while I finished my homework, John sped off to Sam's Club to pick up this beauty (which is eligible for a SWEET rebate from our local energy company and winds up only costing around $10 after the rebate!).

After he got back (around 8:45), we ate dinner while gleefully watching the first half hour of GLEE. I tell ya, it really took extreme will-power to pause the DVR right as Tina started in on "Tonight" from West Side Story. REALLY EXTREME. Like, I think it used up my entire life time supply of will-power, and I will now buy magazine subscriptions from door-to-door salesmen, and donate money to any charity that asks, and accept any request to babysit cats, dogs, rodents, reptiles, babies, and drunks. Yes, THAT much will-power.

But, I paused the DVR, went to the bathroom, and began inspecting the toilet. I felt around the various hoses and gaskets, felt the wall for moisture. Found nothing. I turned the water back on, flushed the toilet several times, and nothing. Paranoid idiots, I thought, and was getting ready to bleach my hands and go back to enjoying Tina's serenade.

Then John walked in and said "See where it's leaking?" as he pointed to the silicon caulking around the base of the throne. The once-white seal had a lovely orange tinge to it around the front of the toilet where it met the floor. I noticed a small bead of water forming in the orange tinge territory, and my stomach sank. Sure enough, the toilet was leaking. Or, more accurately, the water et al wasn't entirely making it down the drain.

Now typically at this point in our little home repair adventures, I'd normally break out the camera and start taking pictures to act as a photographic narrative of what all we were doing and fixing, so that I could later upload them here for you all to marvel at our mad home repair skillz.

But (feel free to applaud) I did not get the camera.

I did not snap away.

I did not record for posterity.

I will not subject you all to that.

(Now I expect applause, so your hands had better be flapping away!)

So instead of subjecting you to creepy crawlies that fear the light, and all kinds of human waste, I will insert a picture of Albert.

Followed by a picture of Elsa.

And for good measure, a cute picture of Sarah's kitty Calypso sticking her tongue out.

And just so he won't feel left out, Elliot, too.We removed the toilet, and while John trashed it, I bleached the hell out of the creepie crawlies that are, evidently, impervious to bleach and continue to creep and crawl. Yay for them. I squished as many of them as I could using the paper towels John was tearing off for me and bleached some more. I sopped up the liquid, and we got ready to seat the new toilet. At this point, we've installed two other toilets, and figured we could be considered OLD PROs and didn't need no stickin' instructions.

I put a bead of silicone around the lip, and John heated the wax ring in the microwave to get it soft. He put it over the drain flange and we lowered the toilet over the flange and through the anchor bolts. The tiles directly behind the toilet are a bit uneven, so we shimmed it as best we could, measured it for level, and shimmed it some more. Then we realized that it really wasn't straight, so we moved it into position, shimmed and leveled it again, and began to tighten down the throne to the anchor bolts. When we were done with that, I looked through the parts bag and noticed that we had forgotten to put the anchor bolt cap and cover into position, so John took the nuts off added the cap and re-nutted the bolts. We then put the tank onto the base, and turned the water on, figuring that the extra weight from the water would help to weigh the toilet down, making it easier to caulk the edge. John flushed the toilet, and then....

Wait for it.....

(You SHOULD be able to see where this is going....)

Water gushed out from under the toilet base.

It seems that, because of all the time we spent trying to get the damned thing in place, anchored, weighted, level, shimmed, and shined, the wax ring shifted. Or, after reviewing the directions for installing the toilet, we realized that perhaps, since the FLANGE doesn't sit above the floor level because of the lovely ceramic tile installed in the bathroom, that perhaps we needed to actually get the little extension thingie that the instructions referred to. The instructions went on to say, "For installations that require the [extension thingie], it is best for a professional plumber to do [it]." At this point, it was 11:45PM, and we were tired and covered in sewage water and said, collectively, "FUCKIT." We told Josh he couldn't use the toilet, and that we'd take care of as soon as we could. We took turns showering and burning our clothing, and went to bed at ~1AM.

When I woke up this morning, I was greeted by a faint putrid smell.

When we went downstairs to head off to work, we were accosted by a putrid STENCH.

Josh said it woke him up.

So, today, between 2PM and 5PM, we're meeting a professional plumber at the house and letting this kind professional deal with the shit.

Literally.